I spent the whole morning looking at graduate programs. The same graduate programs I browsed a few years ago. One of them, Vanderbilt, even merited an actual campus visit during my senior year of college. It's funny how dreams work. In my mind I can imagine myself doing one thing above all others. This one thing would be the culmination of so many things I feel passionately about. But for some reason, it still remains only a dream.
What is it about the things that make us whole that make us think that they are the things that are unachievable? Buying a house (I'll just rent until I know where I want to be, plus I could never get a loan...), traveling abroad (I don't have the time and it's too risky by myself...), getting a dog (I'd never be home to play with her and I can't stand the thought of getting attached to her and then losing her...), making a commitment to a someone (I'd never be home to play with him and I can't stand the thought of getting attached to him and then losing him...), going back to school to do what you REALLY want to do (With the economy the way it is now, why would I leave a secure job and pay to go back to school?...). All of these things require me, at least, to move away from what I'm familiar with. I know nothing about being in debt, nothing about speaking to people that speak a different language, nothing about taking care of another living being, nothing about finding unconditional love (but man, I really want a dog!), nothing about leaving the upstate of South Carolina to go wherever it takes to achieve what I feel is the closest thing to destiny I have. And I'm not sure I even believe in destiny (fate, serendipity, whatever). And if it is actually IS my destiny, that will only take me so far. I have to take the steps to fulfill it.
But here I am at my kitchen table. Frozen with fear. Staring at my new South Carolina license plate. Wishing that I wasn't confined to the land of palm trees and crescent moons.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I think I can empathize..."post-college" has been filled with a lot of these kinds of thoughts for me. Before I left South Carolina, I wasn't sure about graduate school; it's what I wanted to pursue, but did I really want to be in school until my mid-30s? What about a job, a salary, a family?
After a year and a half in an 8 to 5 job, albeit a pretty easy job that allows me to live in Japan, I realized that this is it. That is, this is the entirety of what I thought I was willing to give up my ambitions of more education for. Suddenly the worries about whether or not I could justify sacrificing seven or eight years to a doctoral track seemed ridiculous; I'm going to use up those seven or eight years one way or another, and much faster than I think, so better to invest them into something meaningful for myself.
I'm working on my scholarship applications right now; because of Japan's ridiculous application lead in times, I won't be able to enter a program until either April or August of 2010, but I can't wait. Now if I can just deal with the acute anxiety of trying to find a new job and not lose my visa from July of next year until I start classes...
Anyway, just some thoughts; I hope you're doing well. I know you'll be able to pick out your path.
-Greg
Post a Comment